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My niece got a hair tourniquet twice. Fortunately, she also turned out okay. She was taken to urgent care and because the hair was too tightly wrapped around her toe to cut (both times), the doctor used Nair to break it down. It’s such an easy thing to miss because they’re wearing socks or a footed onesie and no one thinks to check the feet. Its feet were completely tangled with human hair. It was near impossible to pry loose without hurting the Never Underestimate An Old Man With A Bus Blood Moon Shirt pigeon, so I had to give my girlfriend my lighter so she could burn the hair away while I held the bird still. To the locals, it must have looked like we were having an improvised pigeon roast, but we managed to free it and release it.

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This reminds me of last summer when I woke up because I heard noises from the balcony. I found a pigeon standing still, and barely moving even if I tried to scare it. It was alive, trying to move away from me but it wasn’t even trying to fly. Then I saw that its feet were tangled, so I thought that was the reason why it wasn’t moving so I went downstairs to grab like a Never Underestimate An Old Man With A Bus Blood Moon Shirt towel or something to catch it and hopefully detangle it. Just like diabetic neuropathy in people, a diet high in calories and high in sugar (foods dropped, found and stolen by pigeons in cities) tends to give them diabetes and diabetic neuropathy.

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You’re lucky you can go to the bird hospital– pigeon docs are out of network with my plan. I can only go to the Never Underestimate An Old Man With A Bus Blood Moon Shirt rat doctors near Coney and the language barrier is tough. No matter what the problem is– gunshot wound, giving birth, whatever– all rat doctors talk about is how they think I should lose weight, and they specifically advise that I should throw half of what I’m eating directly into the street. I used to work on a horse ranch and we had one horse with this condition.

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