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When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the Every Heart Beats True Neath The Red White And Blue Shirt barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: “Have ya paid your dues, Jack?” “Yessir, the check is in the mail.” Always! That made the 1950s stuff more entertaining – because it was so far away from the reality of 1985.

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I really forgot what it was like to watch a comedy with an actual plot and jokes written into the script. It seems every comedy nowadays just expects you to laugh because it’s full of Every Heart Beats True Neath The Red White And Blue Shirt “funny people” vamping and talking funny, and there’s no real plot, just loosely connected scenes of gross-out/physical comedy all patched together into a movie with a runtime of 2+ hours for no good reason.

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Spoilers: Guess who at trying to guess who the girl slept with. Hot potato with the egg thing. Mousetrap when they knock the guy out by the airplane. Operation when they try to get the bullet out. Jenga when they try to escape that room by stacking stuff up. I know there’s more but that’s just off the top of Every Heart Beats True Neath The Red White And Blue Shirt my head. Cheap lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

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